Seeing the evolution of me throughout my life has been the roughest voyage that I could ever embark on. Coming to grips with the pain that I have held in for so long and internalizing the pain of others whom I may or may not have had some influence in and making myself hard for so many years. I had forgotten how to love, how to forgive and most importantly, how to release myself from the pain and throw some love my way.
I have been connecting with myself and family that I have not seen for up to 25 years or so lately. I listen a lot but now I can finally open up to see and feel the joys and pains that they themselves have held in for so long. The things that they have convinced themselves of and found that 'I am not the only one'.
I have an aunt that has not really slept in 30 years and I talked with her today along with others about it. She disclosed to me many things and I picked up on a lot during the afternoon. She seems to be holding all the pain inside for everyone, taking a lot of responsibility for everything. Her husband, has had 2 brain operations and some feel that 'he is no longer there' and she is the one that has had to re-teach him how to do things such as eat. I listened while she told me of her daughter and the husband that she had lost at an early age and I could feel all of the pain that my aunt had internalized, how she still pains because this man had died within 3 days and at the age of 41 with 3 kids at home.
I shared with her my understanding, that the only thing that anyone in life can be certain of is death but that we have to focus on the 'life' that the person had and not on the 'end' that so many tend to. I told her that she has to release herself and allow her heart to be happy again so that she may enjoy some sleep. Now I know that this sounds simplistic and I know that I may be full of it, but I do believe that healing one's self is key to being able to open up to the good instead of just focusing on the negative.
As I talked and everyone listened to what it was that I had to say and felt the things that I was saying may actually be truths, I noticed something; the uncle that was not really there was listening intently. I could see the focus in his mind and the understanding of my words and the smile on his face at times as I spoke of healing the self and letting go of the hurt. Now letting go does not mean forgetting, but instead seeing it as the good even if the negatives were so memorable.
So we talked and discussed, life, kids, family, joys and pains. I listened as my mother and the two women counted stories of the past but a lot of focus was made on the bad and the wrongs that they remember. I asked 'why do we remember the past wrongs?' Why is it that we focus our personal experiences on those instead of seeing the rights and forgiving those that wronged us? Now I am not saying to bury the past and not see the wrongs of say society or what has led us to where we are today, but in the personal family of 'he did this' and 'she did that' of loved ones, why is the negative so easy to remember?
They were talking of the new man that the daughter had found but were also fearful and 'hoped' that he was a 'good' man. My other aunt had said that she attracted a good man before so her choice was probably good. She also mentioned that she herself had never attracted 'good' men, so she has been alone for 25 years, never really giving anyone a chance for fear of hurt and failure. I asked her why she was so hard on herself.
When I was outside, the one aunt turned to my mother and said 'I wish my kids could communicate like that' and as we left, the uncle that rarely speaks coherently, took my hand and said 'you are doing good' and that melted my heart, for it made me see that I can do good with my words instead of just trying to make people angry enough to take action.
I will leave this by saying that we need to communicate, not just with others but with ourselves honestly. We need to be open, not separated from each other and ourselves. I cannot stop what I see in the world, but I can view it in a more humanistic way. If we want to have a future for the generations to come, forgive yourselves and others so that your children may learn to do the same.
I don't usually quote anyone here but I like this - "Love being nothing other than a release of the boundaries that separate us from another being." - Charles Eisenstein