Friday, May 15, 2009

The Razor Sharp Mind

Facing yourself and admitting your wrongs is the hardest thing one can do in their lifetime. Admitting that all those times that you may have been 'right' were actually your way of cutting your emotional side off and alienating everyone around you from the love that you so needed in order come to grips with the turmoil inside, is the only way to evolve and finally start to love yourself and others wholly.

I am speaking of my own experience here, the loss that it took for me to finally admit that what I was doing was not opening my mind to everything that came at me but instead, in my own way, I was erecting the walls around my heart that had hurt ever since I was a boy and I was hiding behind that and was pushing everyone that got close to climbing over, right back down to the start of the ladder that I had laid there but never let anyone get to the top. I was watching them climb up then fall, until they could take it no more.

I had smoked pot for years, from morning to night in the last stages and I see what it had done to me. I had told myself and others, quite convincingly, that it helped me to deal with what I could see and the society that seems to not care about what it does to each other. Sure my mind was sharp but the blades of harshness were always at the ready to cut apart any emotion that came my way or any sensitivity that would have enabled me to truly grow into the person that I had so wanted to be. The mind was sharp and the pot kept the blades at the ready; ready to put anyone that got in the way of me being 'right', into a pile of diced up emotions on the floor waiting to be swept away by the next wave of logic. The pot had made sure that I myself never fell into the 'trap' of being too emotional causing me to believe that I was 'free' but really locking me into my mind, surrounded by harsh words and soothing them away as a logical conclusion.

Under its spell, I hated everything; crowds, lines, society, babies, mothers, cats, shoes, soy milk (OK that might be a good thing)... everything. I thought that I was capable of 'love' and all the while I could not even show it to myself, let alone the two people that I do deeply love. I would say things that sounded good, made a lot of sense and perhaps were even right but without the emotion to back it up, it was just hollow and really meant nothing; for without the love required to save myself, how could I even hope to positively influence any change in anyone else and share the knowledge that I do hold?

I was cold for so long, I let the pot take over my heart for I was in control of my mind, but what is a mind without a heart but a cold instrument of torture that logically beats its victims into submission. Without being able to see 'light' in the world or anyone else, how could I even expect to be able to receive the love that I wasted for so long and even thought that I could give.

Some advice for those of you that use marijuana to hone your analytical skills; be aware that what it also does is harden the soft side of you so that anyone that wishes to get close, has to work so hard that in the end, they themselves may end up close to destruction and flee before they are sucked into the dark vortex of light-less judgement and blame.

Do yourselves a favor or maybe an experiment, stop for a while and check out the world in a new light; stop and FEEL. See that there is good in everyone, no matter how confused they may seem to you or how illogical their words may sound to you. You may find that people have more to offer than you gave them the chance to when you can finally open yourself up. You may find that people will open up to you if you can finally love yourself enough to see who they are. Logic is a good tool if it is used right, but without an emotional connection to the world and its inhabitants, what is the point? If you don't love yourself or the world, why change it? It will still disappoint you in the end for that is all you end up doing to yourself.

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