I have spent my life avoiding feelings; never really able to give myself or receive true feeling because I thought it would make me vulnerable or weak and I thought that if I did, I would just get hurt. I ran away, I buried them and I lived in denial of feelings because they were too frightening and I thought that they could destroy me. Turns out that not feeling is what had almost destroyed me. Not feeling had enticed me to live in a closed world. Not feeling had hurt me and everyone else around me.
Are we really capable of feeling these days? To truly reach out and give without it being selfish? To completely open our hearts to the world and its inhabitants without being afraid that it will leave us bare and hurt us in the end? Are we capable of living a life that is good for the environment? That is good for other human beings? That is good for the very energies that bring us together and gives us hope? Are we capable of releasing our fears and truly feeling?
We live in a land of confusion where feelings are measured, are scrutinized and are feared because we may lose in the end. We are afraid that we may feel too much, we are afraid that we may feel too little, we are afraid to get hurt, we are afraid to hurt others, we are afraid of being taken advantage of; where does this endless fear come from? Is it the endless news slayings of spouses? Is it the countless movies portraying psycho killers? Is it the easy life that we have lived where nothing really matters? Is it a sense that we will lose ourselves? Is it the fear of being alone? Is it the fear of not being alone? What are we afraid of? Are we afraid of learning, about others and ourselves? Are we afraid of not feeling 'special'? Are we afraid that we may have to sacrifice for a relationship or a better life? What is it that scares us so? Why do we seem to believe in the flawed and fear the new and possible as too frightening?
When our minds, which are obviously conditioned, take over our decisions of feeling, what happens? Do we just justify the emotions away? Do we just ignore them? Do we go through the thousands of 'what-ifs' in our minds and tell ourselves it is too difficult? Do we pick out perceived flaws and justify them away? What happens when you see a homeless person on the street? What do you think? What do you feel? What do you feel when you see news casts about death in far away places? What do you feel when someone proves you wrong? What do you feel on a day-to-day basis? Is it confusion? Are you being pulled in many different directions? Where do you eventually end up?
Why do we refuse to accept that there is wrong in the world which we call society? I am not talking of the thieves, or murderers, or terrorists, I am talking about the very system that we are locked into; the very system that makes us all complicit in one way or another, the very system that makes it acceptable not to help others if it is not economically viable. Is it the guilt? Is it the shame? Do we not want to accept any blame for anything? Is our ego all too important to see what we all do, what we all accept as "just the way it is" or "reality"? Have we really lost the ability to see the "good" future through the fog of the present reality? Where has the imagination gone? Where has the compassion gone?
When did fighting for a love that one believes in become an act of psychosis? When did we start to believe that someone that loves us can actually do us harm and fear them so? When did the fear become so strong that it just over shadows any feeling that may be positive? When did we become so obsessed in ourselves that others just no longer matter?
I remember being in Namibia for two years as a volunteer and having most of my possessions stolen in a break-in; I also remember telling myself that I hope the people responsible needed them more than I did. I admit that that thought did not come immediately, it took some time but in the end it was not about me or my possessions. I had begun to feel for the first time in my life.
I don't know what to feel any more. I am hurt, destroyed and just plain broken these days. I feel betrayed, useless and that I just don't belong anywhere. Will I ever be able to give myself to anything or anyone again? Can I still believe that humanity has it within itself to have compassion and heal itself? Will I ever again believe in love; be it universal or between two people? I am done; I don't know if I will ever write again. I don't know if I will ever care again. I don't know if I will ever believe in anything positive in this crap that we call life.
To those that have followed my ramblings throughout the time that my mind has released its thoughts, I thank you for your support; I also apologize for bringing you into my despair and the negativity that I seem to bring out in the world. Maybe one day I will heal myself but then again, maybe I shall just disappear and never be heard from again.
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