Tuesday, April 28, 2009

My Realization

Seeing the negative aspects in life and the society that we have built can lead one to see the negative in everything.

Without some 'joy' of life, how can we ever come together as a species?

I could see all of the joys disappearing and being taken away from us. I focused on it, I tried to make others see in hopes that they could be angry enough to do something. I found that they can instead concentrate so much on the negative that they find themselves seeing everything as bad and desperately reaching for the 'joy' that is portrayed or that which they had in their life.

It took me a long time and some unbelievable pain (my own and that which I inflicted) to realize that it was not the world that I hated, but myself. I drowned myself in the pain that I had been harboring all of my life and fueled it with the problems which I saw in the world. I did not realize until it was too late that my fire had burned everyone that I had ever known and cared about.

It is so easy to concentrate on the negative; we are, after all, a society built upon blame, responsibility and punishment. We see people as invading our space, trying to change us, not pulling their weight, potential thieves or terrorists and we close off our loving, caring and understanding.

We walk down the street and judge people by their looks and what they wear, we listen to conversations and judge people for what they say (and I was a huge player in this one), we judge them by their jobs, education, children, past mistakes and just about everything else that we can. Well I found that this also divides and makes us grow further apart.

I never gave life a real chance, I never gave people a real chance; I was always too afraid of becoming 'one of them' that I ignored the beauty in everyone and lashed out in hopes of not caring.

I digress, I don't know what to do or think anymore, I know though, that I cannot hurt anymore; not myself and not others. This blog has been so angry for so long, I have been so angry for so long. I still believe that everyone needs help but I will try to do it with a little more tenderness. I see now that my judgments hurt and that I have been judging for so long.

I would like to send a sincere apology to those that I have hurt in my life and to those that I have not, I wish you well but please try to see within yourselves the power of humanistic change.


Rick said...

Hi Sylvain,
This post really hit home with me. I have been feeling exactly the same way myself lately and my life has been pretty much they way you have described yours. It took great courage to put these feelings into print and even more to admit and accept them yourself. Thank you for doing so as it helps me to realize that I am not the only one going through these same issues and feelings. I do not have any answers on how to fix or change this but asking for forgiveness and trying to use tenderness in our interactions with others is a good start and a step in the right direction. Hope to hear more on this subject from you in the future.
Best regards,

Sheilanagig said...

You are not alone with these feelings.

I wish I could offer you hope or a cheery solution - but I can't. I have struggled with these issues for years.

I think you hard on yourself tho, assuming all the responsibility for the forces that have molded you in your life. It's the classic liberal critique of the self.

Once one knows what has happened, one can move forward. But to center the ills of the planet causally in your own heart can be counter productive. It leads to guilt rather than the appropriate (imo) response of anger. I hope I haven't misunderstood you here.

I can only offer this: Courage is only possible when the bleakest moments of fear and despair arrive. Courage is moving on one's own beliefs, knowing the risk of failure is high. It is NOT being an insensitive ignorant fool.

I have enjoyed what you share of yourself here on the net for quite some time now. I do admire your courage.

All the best.

Sylvain Lamoureux said...

Thanks for the comments, it is nice to see that some people read this blog. I have come to a lot of realizations in the last week and I just need to come clean with myself in order to bring more love to the world by allowing some towards myself.