An Epiphanic Moment

It came to me that what I need to do had been right in front of me and I did not take the opportunity, perhaps out of fear. With the help of a couple of 'great' cookies and a conversation, albeit short with Sigmund, I do believe I have had an EPIPHANY! (gotta shout that out).

A little background to me, since I have been writing, for years, these brain/heart explosions without context and then I yell out epiphany. It is not a world changing, save humanity sort of moment unless you are me.

I have never felt 'right' in this world; at times I have thought that perhaps I was from another. I wandered from life to life or some would call it 'profession' to profession for many years with the ones which satisfied me most being those where 'enjoyment' was prevalent (bars) and I could be part of 'providing' such enjoyment. Searching for the 'dream' which was freely advertised in the 'hopes' of achieving 'success'.

At the turn of the century, after having worked for the military, I could no longer be where or what I was and thought "There has to be more to life than the quest for cash". I soon volunteered with an agency and by the end of 2001, I was in southern Africa for the next 2 years but I had hoped it to be permanent.

I learned many things in Africa and met many amazing people within the locals and other volunteers. As I have written in a previous post (An Awakening Moment), it did not take long to see through the facade which is called 'development'.

I returned to 'my' country and doors started to open as never before and I soon began work for a major I.T. conglomerate while supporting a major a Pharmaceutical company. In 2005, I drove to Mexico with all my belongings (those I believed had 'worth') in a $400 car from the great white north and told myself I was never coming back. After 6 months, the limiting factor being financial, I returned and experienced a few different employment situations and eventually trained flight simulator technicians on the maintenance of their simulators (I.T. aspect). In the end, I explained to H.R. (that concept chills me) that rather than take a 'mental breakdown' paid holiday, that I would resign and headed to Venezuela.

South and Central American countries came and went in my quest for self and belonging. After Venezuela I climbed and built radio communications towers, leased land to said towers for a major telecommunications corporation and again it never felt right. I ventured to Panama (2012), in hopes of volunteering, Ecuador (2015) due to a call from mother Ayahuasca. I went to volunteer at a retreat center in hopes of experiencing this medicine and finding answers to myself.

When I was at the retreat, I met a lot of interesting people, each offering a different wisdom. One of these was a Shaman (so others said) from the east which I aided to communicate with his broken English and his visibly bright heart. He told me at one point, over cigarettes, "You Shaman" to which I replied "I am but a man". Another was the Shaman which performed the ceremonies with which I helped to mix the medicine with my Mary, goddess of peace while infusing it with our own energies.

That was my first contact with Shaman (I don't want to add an ism). Now I did not experience the medicine until 2 months later but I did get to learn from the experiences and descriptions of others. While learning from a younger generation of spiritual travelers.

I have read and learned a great many things, experienced a variety of cultures (western and others) and dealt (am dealing) with a great many demons within over the years which have brought me to where I am on this path called life. I give as much as I can and I do see the joy in the world as much as I see the ills, which some may get the impression is 'dark' or 'negative'. On my Ayahuasca journey, I realized that I am sensitive to 'energies' as my years progress and that I have been 'shunning' myself in avoidance of 'overload'. I have taken it out on those I love and for that I apologize.

If one were to start at the beginning of my blog and work their way up; I could not tell you what they might think but they may receive a clearer context and perhaps see the freeing gifts which I have left behind (although cryptic at times). I find myself reading some of my blog from time to time and staring in wonder that I wrote all of those words; often like the first time. This blog is simply a 'context' into me.

So back to my original thought; the Epiphany. I need to become Shaman.

I am once more receiving the call from mother Ayahuasca and also realizing that I can give while receiving at the same time. When I went the last time, it was in hopes of meeting a Shaman which would tell me that I need the medicine; I just did not realize that I had.

I do not belong where I am at the moment and have no desire to live in 'my' country; I am here by birth, not by choice. This 'environment' and I are mutually in-conducive.

I do love 'humanity' just not sure about the 'humans' (or is it the other way around?) HA. I do have hope or I would have given up a long time ago. I do continue to give but need to learn to receive. I do not expect anything except from myself and that is simply to be honest. I will continue to speak from my heart for I can only continue along my path; one with no destination but a lot to discover. No competition for me, I need to learn how to 'be' Shaman. I need to stop hurting myself; to learn to be.

I do not claim to 'know' anything. I simply listen, learn and speak my heart/mind at times, albeit frequently lately. She is calling; time to drop myself into the jungle.