It is interesting how powerful a broken heart can be. It can push and pull you into all sorts of directions that you normally would not venture. It can bring you to the edge of insanity and sometimes even push you over. I narrowly escaped its clutches throughout all of this. My pain had engulfed me so completely that all I wanted to do in the end was lash out in hopes that the other party would hurt as much as I did.
What happened to the love that I had? I never wanted to hate this woman; I never wanted to resent her. So what happened? How did I let myself get so consumed by the pain that she hurled at me and allow myself to wish bad things upon her. How did I forget who I was and concentrate solely on 'my pain' without considering the pain that she too is going through? How did I make this all about 'me'?
I awoke this morning after a night of drinking, to find that I had posted, out of anger, nasty things about this woman. I swiftly deleted what I had done but it made me realize that this is as close to insanity that I want to get. I realized that I must release my pain and move on if I want to be of any use to myself and to others. I realized that I simply traded the pain from my childhood for the pain that she caused me and was still holding onto it and keeping myself from truly moving forward.
It is true that I have never felt this way before, nor have I ever been treated this badly but that does not excuse what I almost turned into. I know that all I wanted from this woman was to give and receive love - and we did for the most part - but I also know that I must move forward and forgive this woman, as she deals with her own issues that caused this pain and that I must wish her well in her future.
I don't want to hate, I don't want to resent and I don't want to hold a grudge and punish this woman. There is too much punishment in the world already; I simply want to heal. This was never about me, this was about the pain that she had held in for her lifetime. I am just a victim of her own inner turmoil and must forgive her for that if I want to ever be able to feel again. This is the hardest part, taking my own advice, following what I know has to be done in order to grow as a person and release myself of the pain that I continue to hold onto to. For the first time in four months, I did not wake up crying today; this is a good sign.