Which Path?

As I look around and see what we have become, I am frightened by the majority of people that I see. Those that have nothing to give; looking out for number one because 'who else should I look out for?'. Self preservation seems to be the order of the day; the future can wait for I don't want to miss a thing nor feel any discomfort.

Carl Jung adamantly declared that “Mental illness is the avoidance of suffering.” - Collectively, we are afraid of discomfort and avoid its potential for our growth and development. So how do we move forward? If we view everything as 'good' or 'evil', how can we learn from the 'negatives' in life and move towards a more 'positive' future? How do we accept that the 'negatives' are just as important as the 'positives' and that unity of the whole is only achieved through the overcoming of separation.

Contrary to what I have been accused of, I write because I care, because I want a better world for our children's children and because I believe that love in the world can overcome the selfish tendencies which we have developed throughout our lives; the separation which keeps us in check and afraid. I see the problems in the world, not because I am negative, but because I can see past that and reach for something better; I can imagine a better world and a better society. If one reads my writings, they can tell that I still believe in humanity, for without that there is solely pure despair and resentment.

I have not told any lies, I have not manipulated any minds and I have not done anything out of pure selfishness. Sure I may not be as selfless as I would like to think but I do know that without seeing the problems, there can never be any solutions. I do know that without the ability to see clearly, we will forever remain in a cloud of doubt and fear. All I want in life is to do good and to give and receive love; for myself and for the world. I have been equated to my observations and writings; angry, negative and a danger to those that just want to be normal. I have been portrayed as a monster because I see the injustices and the manipulations in the world around me. I have been tossed aside because I am perceived as a danger to life as we know it and its comfort zone.

Some people will never really believe in love, for their selves will always be more important than the discovery of togetherness and community, than giving yourself in such a way that you can see a new and improved you forming before your eyes; for if there is a new me, what happened to the old self I know and am comfortable with? Love is the removal of barriers which keep us separated from other beings; when we hold onto those barriers or boundaries, we can never really accept love and we can never really give ourselves as completely as it may deserve; we can never really give it or ourselves a chance.

So what do I do? Where do I go? How do I again believe that good will always prevail or that love will find a way? I am at a crossroad in my life; where I can choose the path of simplicity and acceptance; the one well travelled and universally accepted as the norm. The one that offers least resistance and fewer judgements; the 'complaint free world'. Or do I continue to see and fight for something better. Do I continue to put others before myself and truly try to find that path which won't offend others into fearing me, into running away from me and into finding me offensive to the point of simply tossing me aside for I am judged as too much work and simply not worth it.

I have never felt so alone in life but at the same time, I have never felt so connected.

On The Edge Of Insanity - Coming Back To The Good

It is interesting how powerful a broken heart can be. It can push and pull you into all sorts of directions that you normally would not venture. It can bring you to the edge of insanity and sometimes even push you over. I narrowly escaped its clutches throughout all of this. My pain had engulfed me so completely that all I wanted to do in the end was lash out in hopes that the other party would hurt as much as I did.

What happened to the love that I had? I never wanted to hate this woman; I never wanted to resent her. So what happened? How did I let myself get so consumed by the pain that she hurled at me and allow myself to wish bad things upon her. How did I forget who I was and concentrate solely on 'my pain' without considering the pain that she too is going through? How did I make this all about 'me'?

I awoke this morning after a night of drinking, to find that I had posted, out of anger, nasty things about this woman. I swiftly deleted what I had done but it made me realize that this is as close to insanity that I want to get. I realized that I must release my pain and move on if I want to be of any use to myself and to others. I realized that I simply traded the pain from my childhood for the pain that she caused me and was still holding onto it and keeping myself from truly moving forward.

It is true that I have never felt this way before, nor have I ever been treated this badly but that does not excuse what I almost turned into. I know that all I wanted from this woman was to give and receive love - and we did for the most part - but I also know that I must move forward and forgive this woman, as she deals with her own issues that caused this pain and that I must wish her well in her future.

I don't want to hate, I don't want to resent and I don't want to hold a grudge and punish this woman. There is too much punishment in the world already; I simply want to heal. This was never about me, this was about the pain that she had held in for her lifetime. I am just a victim of her own inner turmoil and must forgive her for that if I want to ever be able to feel again. This is the hardest part, taking my own advice, following what I know has to be done in order to grow as a person and release myself of the pain that I continue to hold onto to. For the first time in four months, I did not wake up crying today; this is a good sign.