The Pains of Awakening

I have found that, in seeing the world in all of its misery, one can tend to lose track of 'the bright side'. As one awakens to this 'life' that we are all engaged in, we are reminded constantly of the negative aspects of our existence.

The news flashes, entertainment, advertising, education, employment and peers all 'nudge' us into thinking and reacting in a certain way. When one begins to see the mechanisms and the affects in their own judgments and beliefs, one tends to close down and focus on the mechanisms and the flashes of enlightenment rather than the goal.

One sees the wars, famines, specism, disease, competition and inequality in different ways. We see the possible scenarios, causes and effects of these flashes along with their 'actors' and benefactors. All that comes into our vision seems to be negative and wears on us.

As I am breaking through the programming that 'society' has instilled, I broke apart myself. I found myself drifting away from the only 'society' I had known but I still wanted to fit in; a wife, a good job, a house, friends, I still wanted the 'dream'. Slowly these dreams seemed to fade away until I was not sure of who or what was left.

A belief that I may have had, a mannerism, in which I used to find humor, a thought in which I used to have solace, a place which I used to hold dear all had skewed views. No matter what these were, they all seemed to be a part of me. I held on to them so tight until I realized that I was no longer moving forward. I was holding onto the 'measure' of my ego.

Could it be that these beliefs, which I thought defined me, were actually just mere distractions, created to soothe me into 'accepting my place in the world'? Could it be that all these ideals that I have learned throughout my life are to make me resistant to real 'change' and thought through denial and fear? Could it be that how others judge me, really doesn't matter? These were all difficult questions for someone who thrived on attention. There were moments when the madness nearly consumed me but it helped me to break through and see my ego for what it was.

When I say "break the ego", I don't mean that I rid myself of me. We have all heard that 'we should not change for anybody', 'we should be true to ourselves' or that 'a leopard does not change his spots'; what do these mean?

Take the first one 'change for another'- does a person not change the second that they open to another, let alone love another? Isn't change the natural evolution of life? 'True to ourselves' - do we not become untrue to ourselves the second that we give ourselves blindly to the collective? And the 'leopard changing its spots' - are we to go through life branding people by their mistakes as not being capable of learning or progressing past them? The irony of this is that President Obama won on 'change'.

The society that I see about me would like to believe in a 'complaint free world'. I have heard things such as "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all" or "why do you always focus on the negative". I still see the beauty but no longer ignore the injustices. I have found that by identifying the wrongs I chip away at my armor of lies which I have come to believe as the essence of 'me'. I view it as finding rather than losing myself.

We must all see the beauty in love, family, community, discovery or a fresh snowfall without judgments in order to truly accept who we are. We must see the bad with the good in order to determine what our limits are and move forward; this is not an easy task.

I have seen those that have progressed but only to certain points. There is a point which I have been to and continue to battle with, where I think "Is it worth it?" and "Why does it have to be so hard?; I still have no answers. I did let it consume me and drag me back to 'reality' but it was short lived. 'Reality' for me has changed. I still face the fears everyday, different ones, old ones, new ones; they help me to realize that fear is what controlled me.

We must overcome the competition and jealousy that keeps us at bay from one another and come together as an awakened mass that sees the future not only as bright but also as fair. Right now there is love throughout the world and as we work together to achieve a higher awareness, that love shall flourish and grow. When we allow the love embrace ourselves, without judgment, then, the world will be ready for change.