How Am I?

How Am I?

I get asked that question (as most do) often in life but I have never known how to answer it honestly.

The standard replies for this seemingly simply question are to invoke one word answers such as "fine" "great" or "fantastic" in order to portray a sense of 'wellness' and mixing it up with such things as "so-so" or "same old, same old" to avoid a commitment to the good/bad paradigm and to leave it ambiguous. I also reply with "I'm still here" which many take how ever way they please; usually negatively. (you can't say things like that, that is for the inner voice not the out-loud one)

I have learned in life that most do not want an actual answer to the question; they are not asking out of interest but rather out of empty pleasantries or chitchat. Most don't want to hear honesty for they would rather see things as bright and cheery and never remove their rose colored glassed. "Don't be so negative man" they chant if what you say perhaps ruffles their delicate, positively charged feathers.

They don't want to hear that I did not want to live past 30 and here I am beginning my 51st. They don't want to know that I wake every morning with a "damn, still here" to start my day. That I cannot remember a time where I was truly 'happy' (I seem to recall brief moments but they may simply be wishful dreaming). They don't want to hear that I don't share in their "Greatest time to be alive!" mantra nor do I have any 'hope' that humanity will 'awaken' its way out of what is in store for us and that I feel that this life is more of a prison sentence than anything else.

They don't want to know that I don't have any 'dreams' or 'ambitions' and cannot really think of a time when I did. That I never really wanted to 'succeed' (although I thought I did for a while but it passed rather quickly). That I want no part of what the collective deems 'society' or 'civilization' and that the only 'desires' I may have had in the past were merely implants of what is expected of a "productive member of society"; that I never really BELIEVED in any of it.

Perhaps you think that competition is a great thing and that it brings out the best (best what?) in people but I want no part of a life where I have to be 'strategic' in everything I do, with everything I purchase; where the only 'motivator' seems to be getting cash from one pocket to put into mine; where there are so many 'secrets' that it all must be based on lies.

People are meant to treat their lives as a business, counting every bean all the while being 'prudent', which is their euphemism for afraid and would rather someone else "make up their mind" so as not to make the 'decision' on what to fear. Fear is a great business to be in.

I do not know what others mean by 'intention' other than everything coming from a source of love (Is my intention to cause harm?). I have no 'hobbies' nor go out of my way for anything except to help another. There is a huge difference between intention and perception which most do not or will not grasp; perhaps it has been programmed that way. The program which I believe has been instilled is that of the perpetual childish ego.

This ego needs to hold onto what it thinks it knows which supersedes any information which may point to actual knowledge. The desire to learn is non-existent as the belief in one's own intelligence closes that door. This same ego has difficulty in simply answering a direct question as it perhaps believes doing so would be a trap and it must exonerate itself from any possible rapprochements. This ego does just enough of anything in order to say that it did something. Most of all, this ego fears the judgement of others; a perfect mental environment for today's 'normalcy' and control.

Do you know what would change the world? Simply bettering one's self every day would better the world. Bettering how? Perhaps by seeing one's self honestly for the first time and truly desiring to be better. Little steps as little habits broken become big habits broken; ignorance admitted instead of defended or justified (now what was that a definition for?) becomes an opportunity for knowledge and the more intelligent we grow on the aggregate, the less chance that we can "get fooled again" (does that bring back any memories? HA).

What saddens me is witnessing many fight tool and nail to hold onto the worst aspects of themselves and of our 'systems'. Perhaps because somehow it makes them who they perceive themselves to be (just one angle). What an insidious program we (humans) have been living under over the generations to be capable of simply passing something like that on to the next; to forever stunt the growth of 'humanity'.

It saddens me to see that the majority of a species which (to use a cliche) has 'potential', chooses the life of serfdom (slavery). I feel (as we keep with the feewings theme) that I am surrounded by stupidity (take that as you will) and that my intelligence drops simply by living in these times.

With all that and much more, I feel that the best day of my life shall be the last one. I'm just waiting for it to be over. Don't worry though, I don't need 'saving' but I could use some good conversation; you know, some talking but more importantly, some listening (hint) and bouncing of ideas instead of debunking and repeating programmed responses. Oh, and did I mention I don't need to be 'saved'. HA!

People tell me all sorts of things I need to do to get "through this". They tell me to focus on the good and forget the bad, breath, meditate, yoga, what-not. They want to 'save' me from myself by distracting me from myself? So many wasted energies flittering about the truther land and that is not saying that any of what is mentioned above is 'bad or good' (but how did you take it?).

Sometimes I wonder, if I could 'save' the humans (all inclusive term), would I want to? Remember the bible story of Moses coming down and the people had fallen into depravity, idol worship, corruption...(any of this ringing any bells?) - and he just went to the mountain to get a couple of tablets, We've had generations of social engineering, psychology experiments, MKUltra, Propaganda, 'real news' (wink), a multitude of division tactics (read NWO Manifesto for a short yet inclusive (ha) list) and so many more layers to this onion that it would take an entire book to write and lifetime to fully study.

If, as some claim, we all chose to be here in order to 'learn' then I simply want out. My time of 'learning' is over for I have seen all I want to see from this life/simulation/matrix/whatever. I don't need to stay to witness new levels of depravity which humans can have towards one another. (and I will leave that one right there before I rant too much).

So, where was I? Oh yeah - How am I?

Perhaps I should just reply with a 'fine' but I can no longer play the liar's game of life. HONESTY begins with self but that does not mean it has to stop there. Some day the TRUTH has to stop being offensive.

So, How Am I?

Don't ask, unless you really want to know.