Simple Questions And Hard Truths

There have been many realizations in the past months as I see the things which I abhor everywhere and in so many people from so many places and supposed 'differing' cultures. I admit that that was probably not the best way to start this as many may misconstrue my honesty for a 'negative' undertone to this article.

I admit that the demographic with which I chose to locate myself in order to find myself (paradox?) is similar to what I am accustomed to and with the few 'outside' locations which I witnessed, there was just the 'levels' of development which differed rather than the entire underlying factors such as the increasing importance of money for life and the inevitable decay of the social and familial structures rather than the evolving of them.

That I need to work on my own issues is very evident; wanting to sleep with every woman I meet, drinking to hide and relax myself within environments which I find difficult yet place myself within and letting the outside world determine my level of happiness. What is happiness though? Is it not a perception which is different for all and therefore not definable? My main work will need to happen in simply allowing myself to feel close to someone and perhaps find some redeeming qualities within myself and all of humanity.

While I toil with my own issues, am I simply to accept and communicate mainly within mundane conversations, never upsetting anyone for their feelings are the only thing which is of importance? The feelings must be one's own for they could never be manipulated; one must believe this to be true in order to validate one's sense of self control and, evidently, self worth.

Ever trapped within an endless circle of ignorance fueled fear and conversations solely meant to compete or distract - this is how I feel; do my feelings also count? Or am I doomed to forever dumb myself down for the same pseudo-discussions simply to avoid offending another and never taking into consideration how I feel? This seems like a strange paradoxical game based on political correctness and fueled by a fear of judgment of others.

It does not take a lot of research through history to discover that this is not what people like to conveniently term 'human nature', nor is it genetics; this trait has developed over time therefor it can be unlearned. It will take an honest introspection of one's life and trusted 'sources' of information throughout that life and that can be very difficult, in fact, the most difficult thing of all.

The question is: how long do we want to keep chasing our tales? A hundred years, a thousand? It is all up to each and every one of us to question who we think we are if we are to have any chance of discovering and being who we actually are. I have found that this is not to be viewed as an actual destination or something to achieve but rather a path to be taken which is a constant 'evolutionary' journey (for lack of a better term) which never ends and is constantly full of learning and a paying forward of that knowledge.

This is what life has brought me to: the ability (curse) to ask questions which others seem not to be capable of, the sight to see what is behind the curtain (even if simply a glimpse), what is 'now' and in front of us (even if it is always 'now') in order to discern information which is projected towards me and the knowledge of myself and my own life experiences (even if only partial) in order to catch the subtle changes which occur generation after generation.

Does this mean that I purport to have all the answers or know every thing? Far from it, it merely means that I have many questions with a desire to learn. That I may not have the answers but rather the basis of the questions which need to be asked; yet this is never how I am perceived. The polite tell me that I think too much or that I am some sort of philosopher - simply placing me within a label which turns off the ability to listen and therefore that with which to converse by placing subjects as 'too deep'. Some tell me that I talk to much while constantly interrupting the conversation (even after being confronted with the question - Is it too much for your short attention span generation? - and having answered "Yes") and even if you were to record the conversation and they could see it for themselves, they rarely see themselves.

What does one do after a life time of 'same-old same-old' and no end in sight even though he needs to find a hint of where his path lies. A life time of giving and taking but introspection has shown that his heart was in the right place (and yes, I am speaking of myself in the third person but this is still my article - :-p) yet so much torment, shame and guilt (old program perhaps) still haunt him wherever he makes his way to and no matter what revelations he may think he has.

That is that tough nut to swallow - the revelations I may think I have. Think about that for a moment; we all like to believe that whatever thought we have actually originates from our very being - but what is that really? Are we not essentially formed from the environment around us including what we think from so many sources which are multi-generational and now bombard us every day? Do I really feel that 'special' that I can be immune to all outside influences and claim that I am above all? From a mom gasping in fear when a child simply falls on their butt (instilling a fear reaction) to the 'education' and papers which we receive because we can think a certain way or repeat certain things to the 'experiences' we may have either real or fake (one never knows). How does one think when one tries to think outside their program? How does one think outside the box if one is limited to the language of the box?

Here is a question - With the majority of people seeming to worship engineers these days and especially in municipal dealings, obey without question, why is it that all the things that has a high monetary cost breaks down the most? Why can't these engineers get things right yet when things seemed to last a lot longer and were better made before? Is this progress?

Simple questions and hard truths - perhaps it is as simply as that, or rather as difficult as that. Along my path I can only state that I have found that within acceptance of ones ignorance one can find a place to learn from. Within denial and justification, one simply solidifies their ignorance.