The blaming, the anger, the accusations, the resentment and the pain; all things that seem to be a lot easier to hold onto and believe in than the love which may leave us bare; forever viewing love as a weakness. Again, facing ourselves, the people that we have become and the persons that we wish to be, is the most difficult thing in the world to come to grips with.
It is easier to hate, to loath, to accuse, hold onto our pain and just wipe clean the memories of love than to come to grips with our own limitations or faults and work through them. It is easier to view the world as an enemy than to love it for what it is and what it could be. This is the basis of our relationships; consuming until it is spent, then deleting, forgetting, moving on, blaming and letting go until we consume the next without really looking at our own complicity of the pain and the situation that brought us to it.
How can I believe any more? How can I believe that love will find a way? How can I believe in a better world? How can I believe in the good of others when all they ever do is show me that they do not believe in love and are all too selfish? They seem to be fighting so hard for 'independence', to stand on their own two feet to save them from the change of unity; forever afraid to 'lose' themselves because this is the only thing that they know. The unknown is a chance that most do not want to take for they fear that all it can bring is misery.
Do we have to be alone, in order to come to grips with ourselves? How is my 'independence' going to teach me about love and the unity of life? This seems to be the only way forward for some, as long as they can do it and not just revert back to their current selves. As we move forward, we seek out people that we think can help, but can they really? Can the limitations of others really help us overcome our own? So we search for people that can help us but what we settle for are people that echo back our own limitations. When we do find someone strong enough to get us through, we fear them and toss them aside, all the while justifying it with our fears and the imaginary situations that they portray all the while being justified by our peers and our own fearful minds.
Why change the world when everyone says that it is OK? When our lives seem comfortable for the moment, why rock the boat? The thousands that die everyday don't directly affect me, so why even think about it? 'It just brings me down.' It seems that everyone wants that 'complaint free world' but no one is willing to work for it, they are just willing to live in denial of the truth.
Everyone I know is locked into the system; they have regular jobs, families, homes and they obey all laws without question. Everyone that I care for lives their lives 'as it is meant to be'. How does one go against this? How can I keep thinking differently? How can I keep believing that 'it can be better' for everyone?
I am so tired of fighting the 'right now' for a better future, of losing those close to me simply because I can think of a time when things will be fairer and of being discarded whenever I don't measure up to 'normal' because I ask too many questions or think differently. I have recently suffered the greatest loss in my life because I think that I am doing good when others view me as an attacker and arrogant. They think that I employ some sort of mind control in the way that I talk and fear me for I will 'drag them through the mud' if they listen to me.
I am so tired of 'be able to see' what others refuse to, of seeing the world and society for what it has become, of believing that there is a better way and that love will save the world. I am tired of not being normal, of not being loved, of not being accepted, of being viewed as offensive. The blame never stops; blamed for my parents, blamed for my life, blamed for not being the man that society portrays as a success even blamed for imaginary future scenarios; the 'what-ifs' of a relationship.
I have never been interested in making money or in the competition of everything. Having to 'compete', with the measure of life itself being 'economics'; judged by what you do, what you own, how much you can provide and never really reaching that 'desired' level because there will never be enough. I have always just wanted a simpler life, one with more living and less 'making a living'.
We compete with family, friends, lovers and they all compete with us. The separation that occurs with each word, action or disappointment wears you down until one day it boils over. Fights, arguments, divorces, it's all the same; the building of boundaries that separate us from one another, the reason that love no longer matters and no longer is worth working at. The reason that we cannot see what is in front of us because 'it just doesn't affect me'.
I believed in love; one that forgives, that talks, that is willing to fight and that is strong enough to get through tough times. I just don't know if I can keep believe in it. We are all too eager to punish instead of heal so I no longer know if the love that the world needs to heal itself actually exists. I don't know if the love that is needed to heal our selves is possible at this point for our selves have become way too selfish.
So it is the end for whatever good that I may have been feeling, the end of my belief in 'love' and its wondrous 'powers'; there is no love, so let the anger return for at least I can count on that and it never lets me down.
I am a broken man, having given my heart so completely only to have it thrashed over and over again, having believed that 'love would prevail' only to have it kick me, again and again, when I was down. I cannot go on like this.
What do I have left? What can I think when the world and its human population just seems to care for itself? No future for the next generations, for they will have to deal with that themselves. When you confront them about being selfish, they usually reply with 'who else should I think of?'. No love for others, for they might just get in the way of 'what I am feeling'. The whole world is selfish and 'looking out for number one', not caring about where we are headed, not caring about the hearts that they trample on because if they did, 'they might feel bad' and we wouldn't want that.
So we 'move on' and wait for the next heart to trample on. We search for that 'connection' that never seems to come to us and we try to live life in a 'complaint free' environment. I cannot do it any more, I cannot play these games that care only for my own well being, I need more; I need to think about the future that we leave.
So bring back the anger that I just recently shed myself of, bring back the hate towards every last one of you selfish bastards, for if I hold onto love, I am the one that will get hurt and I am the one that will be destroyed forever.
